Three Things

thoughts on loss and reconceptualisation.

Photo by Daniel Loftus on Unsplash

1. I had this jean skirt as a child. It was dark blue, had buttons that ran down the middle, and butterflies at the side. I loved it so much I would try to fit into it although I had outgrown it. One day, the skirt was gone.

   Years later, I would find out that my mother had stolen the skirt, threadbare and fraying, and thrown it away. I do not like to give up the things I love.

   Were it up to my 7 year old self, I would still have that skirt, and its withered butterfly. Even though I had outgrown it. I have gone on to have many more skirts, some more beautiful, some I loved way more than I had loved that skirt. I will have more skirts in the future, which I will possibly love more. I wish I had known that then.

   I wonder how much deadweight we carry because we don’t know there is more for us. I am always trying to remember this. Trying to practise how to hold gently, how to leave the door open. How to trust in the flow of things. That blessings will walk in even as others exit.

2. In a little life, Hanaya Yanagihara writes ‘things get broken. And sometimes they get repaired and in most cases, you realise that no matter what gets damaged, life rearranges itself to compensate for your loss, sometimes wonderfully.’  Which, I think, is a nice way of saying allow life to surprise you. I’m always mapping my life, always planning steps. Many times, I am derailed. Still, I find that I always get to where I’m supposed to be. 

   This year has not exactly been going as I designed in my head. My heart has been broken, my friendships are changing, I feel like I'm making more losses than gains. I’m in a state where things are unsettled. It is worrying for me, because I like to be in control of everything. I feel very off course.

   But, I'm changing the questions I ask myself in this period. I’ve been asking: What will this make of me? Where is this trying to take me? Who will I become from this? I’m approaching everything with curiosity, humility and openness. Accepting  that life is bigger than me, that there are many things, many ways I don't know, that what I need is not limited to what I know.

   Let life surprise you. Let it teach you more of yourself, of your capacity, of what you can become. 

3. I’ve started calling things interesting. When I don’t understand, when something ‘bad’ happens, when I’m confronted by my inadequacy, I say ‘this is interesting’. This reconceptualisation has saved me. It changes my mental response to things. Makes me curious instead of sad, or confused, or angry, makes me more attentive, more understanding. This mental shift has anchored me.

   So when I read this essay about metaphors and how they affect our lives, it made all the sense in the world. They wrote about a study where two groups were shown a report on crime rates in the country.

   One group was given a report titled ‘Crime is a virus ravaging the city’, the other ‘crime is a beast ravaging the city’. Their responses were different. The first group sought a ‘cure’ to crime, their methods more humane and gentle. The other thought of how to ‘crush’ crime, their methods violent and heavy handed.

   I say this to say that language is important, metaphors are important. When you speak to and of yourself, what words do you use? The bible does not lie when it says ‘you are ensnared by the words of your mouth’. You birth worlds when you speak, speak carefully.

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Has anyone felt like April has been something? For me this month has felt simultaneously long and short. I learned a new word yesterday ‘aniextment’, feeling equal part anxious and excited. It’s how I’ve been feeling mostly. How are you feeling?

I have sincerely not listened to, watched or read anything of note in the past week or so. I have some recommendations though

• The ISWIS and Submaroach podcasts, which have ensured i’m guaranteed a laugh every week.

• Shogun, again.

• Beyonce’s Cowboy Carter, because what else should you listen to??

Thank you, for being here.